The "Safe Person" Trap: Why Relying on a Partner Keeps You Stuck in Anxiety

The Invisible Crutch

"I can drive to the grocery store, but only if my husband is in the passenger seat." "I can go to the party, but only if my best friend promises not to leave my side."

Does this sound familiar?

In the world of anxiety recovery, this is known as having a Safe Person. It feels like a coping strategy. You tell yourself, "At least I'm getting out of the house." But in reality, it is one of the biggest roadblocks to true recovery.

When you refuse to go anywhere without your Safe Person, you are not actually facing your fear. You are bringing your "safety" with you. You are using a human being as a crutch.

Why It Backfires

You might think, "What's the harm? It helps me function."

The harm lies in the message you are sending to your brain. Every time you successfully go to the store with your partner, your brain doesn't say, "See? The store is safe."

Instead, your brain says: "Phew! We survived the store ONLY because he was there to save us. If he wasn't there, we would have died."

You are reinforcing the belief that you are incompetent and that the world is dangerous. You are feeding the idea that you cannot trust yourself.

The Fear of Being Alone (Monophobia)

This behavior is often rooted in Monophobia—the fear of being alone.

The underlying fear isn't really about the grocery store or the highway; it is the catastrophic "What If":

• "What if I have a panic attack and pass out?"

• "What if I lose control and no one is there to help me?"

• "Who will call the ambulance?"

Your Safe Person acts as your insurance policy against these catastrophes. But here is the truth you need to accept: You don't need insurance because the catastrophe isn't going to happen.

Panic attacks are uncomfortable, but they are not dangerous. You do not pass out from panic. You do not go crazy. You do not need saving.

How to Cut the Cord

To recover, you must prove to your brain that YOU are the safety you are looking for. This requires weaning yourself off your Safe Person.

1. The "Wait in the Car" Step Drive to the store with your partner. But this time, have them wait in the car while you go inside and buy five items. You are physically separated, but they are close enough to lower the initial panic.

2. The "Phone a Friend" Step Go to the store alone, but have your Safe Person on speed dial. Knowing you can call them is often enough to keep you calm, even if you never actually make the call.

3. The Solo Mission Eventually, you must go alone. You will feel anxious. Your heart will race. Let it. When you walk out of that store having survived the anxiety all by yourself, your confidence will skyrocket. You will realize that you handled it.